Healing Shame with Internal Family Systems
Have you ever noticed that inside you there are different voices pulling you in opposite directions; one wants control while another part wants to disappear? These inner conflicts can feel confusing and at times unbearable, AND they often come with a heavy companion…shame.
In my practice, I have seen how shame quietly shapes people’s lives. It hides in the corners of intimacy, it lingers in the roles of parent and partner, it whispers the words, “I am not enough” or even “I am too much”. Shame makes us conceal our vulnerability because the risk of being seen feels too great.
Internal Family Systems Therapy or IFS offers another way. Instead of pushing these feelings away, it invites us to meet them with curiosity. What if the very parts of you that bring the most conflict are also the ones carrying your deepest wisdom? In this blog, I’ll explore how IFS helps us listen differently to our inner world, and how that shift can bring an awakening in our system.
Understanding the Problem: Shame and Inner Conflict
When I began working with couples, I kept noticing a similar theme in my therapy practice. Clients weren’t just fighting with their partners, they were fighting with themselves. Defensiveness showed up again and again, not just as a reaction to another person, but as protection against the painful belief of being labeled “bad” or “unworthy” by the other.
Shame has many faces and origins; it can be the shame of not being a good enough mother or father, it can be the shame of having certain thoughts that are considered bad, or of holding scars from things that were done to you. Shame doesn’t sit quietly, it takes up space and it fuels protectiveness… leaving people trapped in cycles of conflict and silence.
One important piece to consider as well is that shame is relational, it does not exist in a vacuum. It thrives in the fear of how we are seen by others and it pulls people away from connection.
The Therapist’s Perspective: Discovering IFS
In 2022, I came across Internal Family Systems. First it was through a Psychology Today article that I found myself referrancing to several clients to in order for them to understand the newfound language I had discovered. Later I found a video of Dick Schwartz with Esther Perel where they spoke of the inner critic not as an enemy to silence, but as a voice to be listened to. Explaining that it is trying to protect you and being curious about what it is afraid might happen if it steps aside. This was the first time I had heard it being articulated in such simple terms, externalizing the problem is not unheard of in any model, however; there was something refreshing about the way it was being personified that made you want to befriend it. I later came to realize that both resources were connected because Richard Schwartz was the creator of the IFS model.
So I did two things that I felt were important in order to understand this new therapy language that I’d discovered:
One: I sought out an IFS trained therapist and began IFS therapy for myself. I am of the belief that any therapist who practices a model (a way of doing therapy) and doesn’t use it on themselves does themselves and their client a huge disservice. Unlike traditional talk therapy, IFS feels like entering an altered state of consciousness where you have a dialogue with the different parts of you. It is less about talking about your story and more about stepping into it from the inside…emotions are governing your psyche.
Two: I joined the long waitlist for Level 1 training so I could bring this work into my practice.
IFS gave me a language for what I had been observing in my clients and transparently in myself for years. It showed that shame was not proof of brokenness, it was a protector trying sometimes harshly, to keep the system safe.
Meeting the Parts Within
IFS is built on the understanding that we are made up of many parts, together they form our internal system:
Managers: A subgroup of parts that work REALLY hard to keep us safe and protected. They are proactive parts that are always playing the long game. Some examples of manager parts are the versions of us that need control in our lives and want to seek structure. This is not just limited to “Type A” people, everyone has manager parts.
Firefighters: These are similar to managers in the sense that they are protectors, but they tend to be more reactive. If they sense that our system is under attack or even uncomfortable they will unleash reactive behavior in order to “calm the chaos” outside. This can look like; dissociation, binge eating under stress to more extremes like substance abuse, suicidal ideations, and self harm. It's safe to say firefighters aren't always the most popular in the system, at least managers don't always think so. Lastly there are the parts that the systems consider "vulnerable"
Exiles: These are parts that have been put away by the firefighters and managers in an effort to protect the system from extreme overwhelm. If you have a memory or belief about an event that happened (usually gets created this way) and now there is an exile that believes it's not good enough, loveable, or bad…the other parts want to keep homeostasis so they must “contain” the exile in an effort to protect you.
Now…where does shame come in?
Well shame is a protective part, often a manager but can be a firefighter if it's extreme. Usually if you have a person who feels consistent shame for everything they do or maybe even in certain areas like intimacy or work…there might be an exile that is tied to this area.
The protective part uses shame as a way to keep the person in line and compliant. What IFS tries to do is allow for the part to speak up for itself and advocate its role. Helping the client understand what its objective and functions are. Once the part is properly witnessed, the part may either allow access to the exile and ultimately the things it's protecting or simply unburden.
Call to Action
Shame may feel like the voice that keeps you small, but in IFS it becomes a trailhead. When you turn toward it with curiosity, you find not just the pain but also the longing underneath. The longing to be seen, to be accepted, to be whole.
IFS therapy is not about erasing parts of you, it is about listening differently. When your protectors are heard and your exiles are welcomed, you can begin to feel a new kind of freedom. One where your Self is no longer hidden but guiding the way. I offer more information on how I work with IFS on my website.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to reach out for a consultation. Together we can explore the parts of you that have been carrying the weight of shame, and create space for your Self to emerge.
