Why Weekly Relationship Check-Ins Matter (and how to make them work)
Hi, I’m Nathaly, a couples therapist specialising in IFS and Gottman-based approaches. I often meet couples who say things like: “We feel more like roommates than partners” or “We’re just surviving, not actually present.”
If that sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone and there’s a powerful, accessible practice that can change things: weekly relationship check-ins.
What are check-ins and why they’re more than “just talking”
Regular check-ins help couples slow down and reconnect, just like this quiet moment of presence and togetherness.
A relationship check-in is a dedicated time (even just 10-20 minutes) you and your partner regularly carve out just for your relationship: no phones, no logistics, just presence and emotional space. As Psychology Today explains:
“Checking in is taking a brief break from the many competing urgencies of our day… then telling your partner what you are experiencing. Then listening to their experience with caring attention.” Psychology Today
Research shows that couples who embed regular check-ins benefit in key ways:
They maintain feelings of connection rather than drifting into parallel lives.
They avoid the build-up of small resentments and misunderstandings that later erupt
They strengthen emotional safety, a cornerstone of healthy relationships.
Why this fits with IFS + Gottman work
Because I’ve trained at Level 1 in IFS and weave Gottman principles into my couples work, I see how check‐ins become a bridge between internal and relational change.
IFS perspective
In IFS, we look at the “parts” inside each person: the protector parts, the exile parts, the vulnerable parts and we work to bring curiosity and compassion to them rather than judgement. In a relationship, when one partner gets triggered (shuts down, lashes out, withdraws), often a part is activated. Regular check-ins allow both partners to lean into that curiosity: “What part of me is showing up right now? How is it being triggered by you or by me?”
When couples create a safe, recurring space to say: “I’m noticing I’m doing X, and I think a part of me is scared/angry/hurt …” it deepens self-understanding and relational attunement.
Gottman perspective
The Gottman Method emphasises research-based skills like turning toward instead of away, creating shared meaning, managing conflict, building love maps. Click to read more. Regular check-ins provide one of the most accessible daily/weekly rituals that keep these skills alive. For example:
You reconnect emotionally (building love maps)
You address small stresses before they become big fights (conflict-management)
You create ritualised time together (shared meaning)
When I combine these two, IFS + Gottman, with weekly check-ins, couples report feeling less stuck in “just surviving” and more moving toward thriving together.
How to make your weekly check-in truly work (not just another chore)
A quiet moment of connection - relationship check-ins don’t have to be formal; sometimes they start with a simple cup of coffee and curiosity.
Here are some guidelines I share with my couples that you can try them today:
Schedule it: Decide a time and day each week that works for both of you, and stick to it. Research shows consistency matters. Click to learn more.
Make it sacred: No phones, no distractions, possibly a comforting setting (candle, tea, couch). One author calls it “inner relational hygiene”.
Start with presence: Begin by asking “How am I with you right now?” and “How are you with me?” This invites IFS-style curiosity: “Which part of me is showing up?”
Use “I feel / I need” statements instead of blame. (Also consistent with Gottman’s gentle startup)
Address wins and stressors: Celebrate something good that happened; talk about something that’s been on your mind.
End with connection: A simple question: “What is one way I can show up for you this week?”
Keep it manageable: Even 10-15 minutes is enough. The key is regularity.
Why check-ins benefit your relationship more than you might think
They build emotional intimacy: The more you share, listen, and witness each other’s inner world, the more connected you feel.
They serve as early‐warning for drift or resentment: Small things left unspoken build up. Check-ins keep the small things small.
They reinforce relational safety: In IFS terms, when partners know they’ll have space and be heard, those protective parts relax and the “Self” presence grows.
They complement therapy: For couples in therapy (or thinking of it) these rituals support the “between‐session” growth. Studies show that preventative relational interventions (like brief check-ups) significantly improve intimacy over time. Lean more here.
How you can start right now
If you’d like a guided approach rather than just winging it, I’d like to invite you to my free downloadable guide: Reconnect With Each Other: One Ritual at a Time, a Relationship Check-In Ritual.
This resource gives you a weekly step-by-step practice designed to help you and your partner pause, listen, and return to each other with presence and warmth, even when life is busy.
When to consider 1:1 couples therapy
Check-ins create space for honest, grounded conversations - where both partners can slow down and truly listen.
While regular check-ins are powerful, some couples might still hit repeating cycles, feel disconnected on a deeper level, or struggle with longstanding patterns of conflict or withdrawal. That’s where therapy with me (or another trained professional) becomes valuable.
In my practice, I use a tailored blend of IFS + Gottman methods:
We explore the internal parts each partner brings into the relationship (IFS)
We build the relational skills, safety, affection, and shared meaning (Gottman)
Results? Couples report more attuned communication, better conflict resolution, and greater closeness. Click to learn more.
Final thoughts
You don’t have to wait for a crisis to reconnect. Your relationship isn’t meant just to survive, it can thrive. By choosing one small ritual each week to come back to each other, you signal: “You matter. We matter.”
And if you’d like support, you don’t have to do it alone…the check-in ritual is a simple place to start, and therapy is here when you’re ready.
Let’s reconnect, one ritual at a time.
